On being happy

I've been happy these past couple of weeks.  Recently, I started a new medication and I believe it's actually made a difference. I'm tentatively suggesting that there may finally be a treatment that's working for me, though I've had so many false starts in the past, only to go back to feeling crappy again.

Oddly, today is a bit of a down day, in that I had a disappointment yesterday involving some work I was hoping to get, which didn't materialize.  I have feelers out in a wide range of areas for odd jobs that I can do, and this one was particularly attractive to me, but I have not heard back on it. That put me into rejection-head, which is a hard place for me.  So today I am a little bit blue.  It's situational depression.  I'll be okay.

In general, though, I'm finding myself thinking more clearly, to the point at which I can finally begin to see things I messed up while depressed and do what I can to set them right again.

The biggest thing has been the loss of my job. There's nothing I can do about the fact that I couldn't remain in my job. The stress of that job was a huge contributor to my diminishing mental health. Yet, the depressive part of me wants to tell me that I am an abject failure for not being able to remain connected to my job, with its nice retirement package- the golden handcuffs- but I simply couldn't. It was killing me. When you're suicidal, a pension isn't really going to do much to enhance the quality of the life you don't care to continue on with, anyway.

And now, after many, many years of being in a grey zone, I feel the veil lifting.  I have been walking out into the world with a sense of hopefulness that I've not felt since I was very young.  Today, instead of hiding under my covers with the shock of rejection, I'm sending out emails to other work prospects and generally doing the things one needs to do in order to make a living.  I'm not letting it consume me.  That was never really an option before.

So today, no downer picture; it's nothing but blue skies that I see.  I'm still surrounded by clutter, and I will get around to fixing that.  My life is slowly getting reorganized. I hope and pray that this recovery continues.  I never thought it possible, and am always skeptical, but I like what I feel so far.

About the Author and this Blog

Welcome to this blog. That you are here signals that you have an interest in what it is like to have depression.  Possibly, probably, you are depressive yourself, or you have a loved one who is. I’m glad you’re here. 

I want to get a few things out of the way. This blog is intended to be an unflinching glimpse into the life of one person with depression. It’s not meant to be a cheering section for getting better, although on my good days I might post something others will find inspirational. It’s about documenting the moods, the feelings, and the thoughts that accompany a life where depression has, for the moment, taken on a life of its own. There will be darkness here, because that is the way depression works. I hope it doesn’t feel too self-indulgent or difficult. It’s not meant to be a downer, but due to the subject matter, there will be downer times. 

So what’s the point?  The point is to raise awareness.  Many people-too many-suffer from depression and most of us feel misunderstood by those who don’t have it.  I’m choosing to document my experience through photography because, frankly, it’s easier for me to express myself that way when I’m not well.  Writing when I’m down is difficult to impossible, but on some days, like today, the fog lifts and I can use complete sentences to convey my thoughts.  I’m grateful for days like today. 

I’ll tell you a little bit about me.  I choose to remain anonymous because, even as I am struggling through depression, I am also developing a new business that has nothing to do with being depressed. I started this business because I had to; my corporate job had become too stressful and too triggering to continue with. In the interest in making that business work, I choose to keep my mental illness under wraps because, whether we like it or not, we still live in a world where mental illness is heavily stigmatized. Until that changes, practical reality will continue to trump idealistic hope on that matter, at least for me. I can’t afford to be “out” about my depression and the places it takes me. 

My “business” persona and my depressed self are worlds apart. 

A little more background. I was diagnosed about 20 years ago with depression and PTSD.  At the time, no one knew what caused the PTSD symptoms but, through my own research, I was able to pinpoint that a series of family traumas and a dangerous family dynamic were the most likely causes.  I developed coping tools that worked fairly well, until they didn’t work anymore.  Today we would call it Complex PTSD, which describes PTSD stemming from a dysfunctional and threatening childhood situation rather than a single, distinct event like natural disaster or war. 

My biggest flaw is resorting back to those old coping tools when things are not so bad, rather than seeking professional help.  I take antidepressants, prescribed by my General Practitioner, but am no longer in therapy and have not been successful at finding a therapist I trust.  This year I hope to try again, and I’ll be documenting that process as well. 

That’s enough about me. I hope you’ll join me for this journey through the difficult times, and through the good times, too.  My greatest wish is simply to be well.  If you struggle with depression as I do, that is my wish for you, too. 

(photo not by author) 

Comfort

My pets provide a measure of comfort to me.  They are a bright spot in my day.

Window

It's not always dark.  There is a window that lets light in.  Sometimes I have to peer between raindrops to see it.

Bed

There are days when it's almost impossible to get out of bed.  

Clothes

I once had a good job and wore these jackets to work.

Meds

These pills are supposed to make me feel better.  I don't think they are effective, but I take them anyway.