Oddly, today is a bit of a down day, in that I had a disappointment yesterday involving some work I was hoping to get, which didn't materialize. I have feelers out in a wide range of areas for odd jobs that I can do, and this one was particularly attractive to me, but I have not heard back on it. That put me into rejection-head, which is a hard place for me. So today I am a little bit blue. It's situational depression. I'll be okay.
In general, though, I'm finding myself thinking more clearly, to the point at which I can finally begin to see things I messed up while depressed and do what I can to set them right again.
The biggest thing has been the loss of my job. There's nothing I can do about the fact that I couldn't remain in my job. The stress of that job was a huge contributor to my diminishing mental health. Yet, the depressive part of me wants to tell me that I am an abject failure for not being able to remain connected to my job, with its nice retirement package- the golden handcuffs- but I simply couldn't. It was killing me. When you're suicidal, a pension isn't really going to do much to enhance the quality of the life you don't care to continue on with, anyway.
And now, after many, many years of being in a grey zone, I feel the veil lifting. I have been walking out into the world with a sense of hopefulness that I've not felt since I was very young. Today, instead of hiding under my covers with the shock of rejection, I'm sending out emails to other work prospects and generally doing the things one needs to do in order to make a living. I'm not letting it consume me. That was never really an option before.
So today, no downer picture; it's nothing but blue skies that I see. I'm still surrounded by clutter, and I will get around to fixing that. My life is slowly getting reorganized. I hope and pray that this recovery continues. I never thought it possible, and am always skeptical, but I like what I feel so far.
