Welcome to this blog. That you are here signals that you
have an interest in what it is like to have depression. Possibly, probably, you are depressive
yourself, or you have a loved one who is. I’m glad you’re here.
I want to get a few things out of the way. This blog is
intended to be an unflinching glimpse into the life of one person with
depression. It’s not meant to be a cheering section for getting better,
although on my good days I might post something others will find inspirational.
It’s about documenting the moods, the feelings, and the thoughts that accompany
a life where depression has, for the moment, taken on a life of its own. There
will be darkness here, because that is the way depression works. I hope it
doesn’t feel too self-indulgent or difficult. It’s not meant to be a downer,
but due to the subject matter, there will be downer times.
So what’s the point?
The point is to raise awareness.
Many people-too many-suffer from depression and most of us feel
misunderstood by those who don’t have it.
I’m choosing to document my experience through photography because,
frankly, it’s easier for me to express myself that way when I’m not well. Writing when I’m down is difficult to
impossible, but on some days, like today, the fog lifts and I can use complete
sentences to convey my thoughts. I’m
grateful for days like today.
I’ll tell you a little bit about me. I choose to remain anonymous because, even as
I am struggling through depression, I am also developing a new business that
has nothing to do with being depressed. I started this business because I had
to; my corporate job had become too stressful and too triggering to continue with.
In the interest in making that business work, I choose to keep my mental
illness under wraps because, whether we like it or not, we still live in a
world where mental illness is heavily stigmatized. Until that changes,
practical reality will continue to trump idealistic hope on that matter, at
least for me. I can’t afford to be “out” about my depression and the places it
takes me.
My “business” persona and my depressed self are worlds
apart.
A little more background. I was diagnosed about 20 years ago
with depression and PTSD. At the time,
no one knew what caused the PTSD symptoms but, through my own research, I was
able to pinpoint that a series of family traumas and a dangerous family dynamic
were the most likely causes. I developed
coping tools that worked fairly well, until they didn’t work anymore. Today we would call it Complex PTSD, which
describes PTSD stemming from a dysfunctional and threatening childhood
situation rather than a single, distinct event like natural disaster or
war.
My biggest flaw is resorting back to those old coping tools
when things are not so bad, rather than seeking professional help. I take antidepressants, prescribed by my
General Practitioner, but am no longer in therapy and have not been successful
at finding a therapist I trust. This
year I hope to try again, and I’ll be documenting that process as well.
That’s enough about me. I hope you’ll join me for this
journey through the difficult times, and through the good times, too. My greatest wish is simply to be well. If you struggle with depression as I do, that
is my wish for you, too.
(photo not by author)
(photo not by author)
